39 days ago I wrote this post on being OK with change. I know it was exactly this amount of days ago because I counted each one down. And you see, soon after writing that post I felt like a fraud, because during the change I was heading towards all spritely and excited, it turned out I cried, A LOT.
It’s not that I thought looking after two small energetic children 12 hours a day 7 days a week on a farm in the middle of nowhere would be easy, it’s that I didn’t think it would be quite so really really unbelievably difficult. I was screamed at, smacked in the head, kicked in the face, stomped at, bitten, shouted at, vomited on and to top it all off, I got a pooey nappy smeared on my arm. YES. A POOEY NAPPY. ON MY ARM. And I had nowhere to run, apart from to my small child’s single princess bed.
But amongst the tears, snot and tantrums (and that was just from me) even though I knew that feeling this way was so not cool, I was constantly telling myself that I couldn’t quit. That I had to remember that this is the uncomfortable bit I was talking about here, the bit that soon turns into comfortable if we do it for long enough.
I reminded myself of the times I’ve sobbed for a few weeks in the past and how those stories ended happily when I didn’t quit.
Like the time I moved to University and was placed in halls with 5 people who didn’t speak English, and it was really hard, and I cried A LOT, and I was all ready to quit. But I didn’t. And I made friends with new people (with no language barriers) who I moved in with and had the best time with, oh and I got a degree.
Like the time I moved to the other side of the world and started working for myself, from home, alone. And it was really lonely, and sometimes I cried A LOT and I was all ready to quit. But I didn’t. And it provided me with so many incredible opportunities for learning how to love my own company, for managing my own time, for discovering what motivates and inspires me, for realising what I thrive on, and what I definitely don’t.
So in this new chapter, well I knew there had to be something to learn. Because there always is. There had to be a reason I’d found myself on this particular path. Because there always is. And there had to be a way to get through it. Because, yep, you’ve guessed it, there always is.
The hardest part was that having spent an entire year working on creating a life I love and doing what I enjoy, and exploring techniques for feeling happy and content and inspired, I felt like all that hard work and energy was being drained bit by bit in this new situation.
But you know what? I decided to think about it differently, like, maybe this was the biggest test of all. As in, it’s all very well learning all those ways to feel great while I’m working from my laptop by the beach, but now it was time to put them into practise. Really prove how far I’ve come. At the time I needed to most.
And so I did. I created coping mechanisms and tried to turn it into a manageable situation. Which it was, for a while. Until I hit a wall and decided to stop and ask myself some questions: Why am I even doing this? Do I want my 2nd year visa this much? What do I really want my future to look like? Is feeling this miserable and worn out worth anything?
No it wasn’t, it turns out.
I made it through the uncomfortable, until it was kinda comfortable in a ‘routine’ kind of a way. And I still wasn’t, y’know, comfortable. I was way out of my comfort zone in fact – and not in a good way. Not in a way I wanted to be. (Animals and children – gah!)
I made friends with baby lambs only to find them without heads the next morning due to a hungry fox. I found said fox dead and hung out by its tail on a fence as I was taking a morning walk. I got child vomit and snot in my hair and didn’t have any phone service to call anyone and wail. I was consistently woken up by an almighty 2 and 4 year old duo-dive at early o’clock.
And so I quit.
39 days in I checked in with myself, and decided to check out of the situation.
Whilst I’m proud that I saw it through as far as I did, I’m even more head-over-heels with the fact that I was brave enough to hold my hands up and say ‘I’m out’ – Dragon’s Den decision making styley.
I’ve learned a lot this past 39 days: I sure won’t be having children any time soon, delicious lamb casserole isn’t quite as simple as just turning up on the kitchen table each Sunday, and my intuition is usually pretty damn on point and I should definitely check in with it more often.
So, writing from Sydney where we’re staying with some friends, where there’s phone service and TV programmes other than The Wiggles and there’s actual silence (ahh, the little things) – here’s to brand new spontaneous adventures, following our hearts and allowing ourselves to say ‘I’m out’, guilt-free!
Cos’ if something don’t feel good for you. Well then, it’s probably not.
And this: Freedom. Heart Following. Listening. Smiling. Loving. Well this feels pretty damn fiiiiine.
So that’s the recap of the last month – short and sweet and not full of as much juice as I’d like to share. I’m saving that for my email newsletter, where we can really deep-dive into bold decision making, brave action taking and saying ‘yes’ to life by saying ‘no’ to the things that are sapping our joy.
If you want in on that action, you can sign up here.